


Awkward Moments with the Ponds

by wholockedpsycho7



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, each can be read as a stand alone, excuse the incredibly poor writing in the first few, just a ton of one shots, seriously no plot, this is just fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-12 01:46:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1180452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wholockedpsycho7/pseuds/wholockedpsycho7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life is complicated when your alien best friend is married to your only daughter, who happens to be older than you. It can also be slightly.... awkward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Are you going to get River?" Amy asked from the stairs. The Doctor jumped and whirled around. "Oh, you're awake."

She walked down the steps. "Yes, I am. Is that who you're going to get? Because Rory and I haven't exactly seen her that much." He ran a finger through his hair. "Yes, I am. I wanted to... I just miss her." He finished his sentence quietly. "We miss her too, you know." Amy told him, leaning against the console.

He looked up at her. "After our date tonight, I'll come wake you up and you two can see her. How's that?"

Amy rolled her eyes. "And after you finish snogging." She muttered. The Doctor turned red. "I just- I mean, I... That's River's humanyness."

"Humanyness?

"Yes."

"And I suppose it was all her humanyness that woke me and Rory up, what, a month ago?" She asked, smirking. The Doctor gulped. "She makes me act humany, ok? All of you Ponds do."

Amy gave him a weird look. "I'm your mother in law. Gross." The Doctor groaned at that. "Not what I meant, Amy. Definitely not."

Amy laughed. "I know. It's fun to get you blushing so much, though." The Doctor sighed. "Like mother, like daughter."

"Hey, she's the one who taught me how to flirt. We're gonna be alike."

He scrunched up his face. "Good to know." Amy grabbed the fez off his head. "I know."

"Give it back!" The Doctor whined, chasing her aroung the console. "As if! River doesn't like it, so you don't wear it out on a date with her." She said, stopping and putting it behind her back. "But I like it! Amy!"

"No. Also, something else she likes is chocolate. Fun fact. And being surprised. Good luck with the surprised one, though. I've got serious doubts it's gonna happen." She told him seriously. "Chocolate? Why does that matter?"

"I don't know. She's your wife. I'm keeping the fez, by the way." She called back, walking back to her room.

Chocolate? He scratched his head. Maybe if....

******************

The TARDIS landed outside River's cell. She ignored it for a minute. She was working on reading a book about the Slytheen family.

The Doctor walked out to her cell and cleared his throat. "Let me finish this page." She said, holding up a finger. He soniced the lock and walked in. "Ok, what is- what are you wearing?" She asked with disbelief.

"A chocolate fez." He stated. She sighed. "And why are you wearing it?"

He shrugged. "Your mother told me that you didn't like fezzes. And she told me you liked chocolate. So I decided to make a chocolate fez! Like it now?"

River rolled her eyes. "She told you that I liked chocolate?" The Doctor nodded happily. "That's not what she meant, honey."

He gave her a confused expression. "Well, I don't know what she meant. But what do you think? I had it hardened so it wouldn't get in my hair." He said proudly.

River yanked him towards her by the lapels. "I think we could do something a little more... fun." She purred into his ear. "Like what?"

"You tell me." She said, gently nipping at his earlobe.

Amy looked through the crack in the door, amused. Oh, yes. River had done the same thing to Rory when they were kids. Somewhat the same. But Rory's reaction and the Doctor's reaction were completely different. A chocolate fez? Seriously? Just so River would like his hats.

She closed the door and went to lay down beside Rory. "Was that River? I thought I heard her. What happened?" Rory mumbled to her.

Amy smiled. "Nothing much. You know what they say. Like mother, like daughter."


	2. Chapter 2

Rory hesitantly climbed down the stairs to where the Doctor was working under the console. How was he even supposed to do this? He thought he had a few more years to plan for it. Around 20, actually.

So here he was, giving the 1000 year old alien the 'talk. "Um, Doctor?"

"Oh, good, Rory! Hand me my sonic, please! If I take my hand off this wire the bedrooms will get covered in chocolate! And about 9 different types of caterpillars. It might sound fun now, but those things can bite!" Rory nodded. "Yeah, ok. In your jacket?"

"Left inside pocket. Not the right, the left! The right may blow your hand off."

Rory sighed and got the sonic. "Here." He said, handing it to him. "Thanks." 

"Look, Doctor...-"

"-if this is about the piranhas in your bathtub, that was completely the TARDIS's fault. She let me put the distortion fibulators and the aquarium on at the same time!"

"What?!"

"Never mind, carry on."

Rory made a mental note to remind Amy not to take a bath and took a deep breath.

"It's about Melody. Or River." He stated. "Ok. What about her?" The Doctor asked, cutting two wires and sending sparks everywhere.

"I'm her dad."

"Yes, Rory. We've been over this." He said.

"And you're her husband."

"Yes. Good job. And you're Amy's husband."

"Shut up, Doctor."

"Sorry. I thought we were stating what we knew."

"Anyway, you've got to- I don't know, look after her. You've got to catch her every time she does anything." Rory said, trying to get his head around their relationship.

The Doctor unscrewed something. "I'll do my best."

"And if you ever, ever, think about another woman while you have River, I will hunt you down wherever you are in your time stream and make you have a painful regeneration."

The Doctor dropped his screwdriver. "What if I didn't know we were married at the time?"

"Anyway, don't hurt her. She loves you. And you better give her all the love she deserves."

The Doctor stood up and put a hand on Rory's shoulder. "I will do my best. Anything else?"

"Yeah, actually. I understand that you two, you know, do that, but I'd appreciate it if you got the TARDIS to make the walls soundproof. And keep her on board all night. We want to see her too." Rory added. The Doctor blushed. "That's just the TARDIS engines, Rory, I've-"

"-yes, you've been saying that. So, don't hurt her, protect her, and you two can do... that, as long as you use protection and get sound proofed walls."

"What?"

"Were you not paying attention or do you actually not understand what I just said?"

The Time Lord sighed, frustrated. "I was paying perfect attention, thanks. What do you mean, protection?" Rory squeezed his eyes shut. "Pregnant. Don't get River pregnant. Unless you want that or something, but then you've got to be willing to raise the kid, and River's ok with that, because I know you two aren't exactly parent material, but-"

"-Ok, ok ok, ok, Rory. Got it. Understand. I'll talk to River." He went to unscrew another thing. Rory nodded. "Good. Now, let's agree never to talk about that last bit ever again."

"Wait, which bit?"

"The bit about walls!"

"Oh, don't talk about soundproofed walls. Ok." The Doctor said, and went back to unscrewing things.

"Ok, good talk." Rory went to go back up the stairs, but hesitated after he grabbed the rail.

"Doctor?"

The Doctor gave another exasperated sigh. "What, Rory?"

"The first time you met River... she told me your lives were back to front. What happened?"

The Doctor stiffened. "Because, I know you wouldn't have trusted her then. Did you hurt her?" Rory continued. "Obviously, I'm not going to kill you for that, since you didn't even know me, but I want to know."

The Doctor sat down in the swing. "It was really complicated." He began. "But yes, I hurt her. I've been.... trying to make up for it ever since."

Rory was about to ask what he meant when they both heard a scream. Amy's scream.

She came into the corridor soaking wet, clothes tattered. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, RAGGEDY MAN!"


	3. Chapter 3

"River?" Amy called out softly. She walked into the guest room where her daughter and mad man were staying that night. They both appeared to be fully clothed, so she went to the bed and gently shook her awake. "Melody!" She whisper-shouted.

River's eyes fluttered open. "Mum, it's-" she thought for a moment. "-6 o'clock in the morning, and I haven't had sleep in several weeks. There better be a very good reason you're waking me up so early." She whispered back, careful not to wake her husband, who had undoubtedly not gotten sleep in a long while as well.

Amy grinned evilly. "There is. I just thought you might want to see something I found on the TARDIS last night when I couldn't sleep."

River arched an eyebrow. Growing up with her mother, she had noticed different things about her. She, for example, had different nose expressions. Whenever she was angry, her nostrils would flare. When she was confused, her nose scrunched up. When she was grossed out, her nose would scrunch in a different way.

That being said, River also knew her mother's different smiles. There was the I'm-hopelessly-in-love-with-you-smile she reserved for Rory, the yay-we're-alive smile she had for after every day with the Doctor, the this-is-a-fake-smile-that-I'm-only-doing-to-be-polite smile, the you-better-take-off-and-run smile, and a variety of others. The one Amy had on now was one River liked to call the I-have-an-evil-plan-do-you-want-in? smile. Needless to say, Amy had given Mels this smile multiple times during their childhood.

River grinned back with an equally evil look. "I think I do."

-about 8 o'clock-

The Doctor patted the bed, feeling around for his wife. He finally felt her waist and pulled her to him with a sleepy grunt. River happily tucked her face into his neck. "Good morning, my love." She mumbled.

He responded with another grunt.

She chuckled softly. "We've got to get up."

Grunt.

She rolled away and propped her head up with her arms. He didn't open his eyes, only felt around the space for her. She was so warm and soft, and he liked having her close by.

She reached over to him and-

He fell to the floor.

Grunt. Then, "You didn't have to push me, you know."

River peered down over the edge of the bed at him. "Maybe not. It's quicker, though."

He huffed and got to his feet. "You do realize I haven't slept in 3 months?"

"I haven't slept for 2 months, and I'm only part Time Lord. You should be fine."

After some more banter, they headed to the kitchen together, where Rory was cooking breakfast and Amy was doing the only thing she could do in the kitchen without setting the house on fire- making coffee. "Oh, good morning, Melody. Sleep good?" Amy asked her daughter, a smirk on her lips.

River grinned back. "Very good."

The Doctor ignored their exchange, which was a fatal mistake on his part, and stole a piece of bacon from the plate. "Oi! You can't eat it until it's at the table, Doctor!"

The alien simply shrugged and walked away. "I'm going to go get my clothes on, Ponds. Be back in a moment." He called over his shoulder as he walked to the door.

River and Amy exchanged sadistic smiles.

"Hey, I know that look!" Rory said from the kitchen. "That's your prank look you used to get when you were planning something on me. What've you done?"

"Not much, dad. It's on my husband, not you, so don't worry."

Rory didn't look very reassure by her words.

They sat in silence for a while, except for the popping of grease. Amy reading the newspaper and River doing who-knows-what on her communicator.

Then the door busted open, and the Doctor marched in, a pout on his red face.

"Shooting the occasional hat, I can deal with. But blowing up my hat room?! That's pure evil!" The Doctor declared angrily. River smiled. "Sweetie, I've got no idea what you're talking about."

The Doctor walked up to the table and towered over her. "You don't, eh?" He observed her face carefully. Then he squatted down beside her chair. "We'll see about that, River..."

Then, with one fluid motion, he had removed her slipper and was tickling her mercilessly. She kicked several times, but ended up falling out of the chair. She wheezed with laughter, and was gasping and trying to crawl away. "Fine, fine! I did it! But Mum helped!" She finally admitted, still trying to wrench her foot out of his grasp.

The Doctor looked at Amy, who was trying to suppress a grin at her seemingly non-ticklish daughter (as Mels, she claimed to not be ticklish, and they had never found a spot that was, but apparently the Doctor had), denied it. "I did not! Shame on you, blaming something on your innocent old mother!"

Rory snorted. The Doctor smiled. "That's okay." He said, still concentrated on attacking his wife's toes with his hands. "We can bring back the bunk beds."

Amy's eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't."

"I would."

With one last swing of her leg, River managed to flip herself over and on top of the man who had been holding her foot hostage.

She pinned his shoulders down quickly with her legs, rendering him completely vulnerable. He gulped at the look on his wife's face. "Now, River, let's not be too rash here...."

Then she smiled.

He gulped.

When he said she had Amy's smile, he meant it in the most sinful way possible. Because she was grinning down at him with one that Amy had done several times, and it was hard to believe he hadn't seen the resemblance between her and her mother before. It was the I'm-about-to-get-revenge-and-you-have-a-right-to-be scared smile.


	4. Chapter 4

Amy headed back to the control room. Where was that daughter of hers? She hadn't gotten a chance to talk to her all day, with the running and shooting and blowing things up.

 

She bumped into the Doctor on the way there, who promptly dropped all the towels he was carrying. "Sorry." She helped him pick them up, and then deposited them back in his arms. "Have you seen Melody? I wanted to talk to her."

 

"Yeah. She went to take a bath."

 

Amy nodded. So that's where she was. "Ok. Tell her that I want to talk to her, ok? I'll be in me and Rory's room."

 

"Ok."

 

"And tell her to hurry up, too. I want to go to sleep."

 

"Ok."

 

She eyed him. He was bouncing on his toes, looking ready to run.  "Where are you going?"

 

He shrugged. "I need to take a bath." He told her, and started to continue walking away, but she grabbed his shoulder.

 

"Woah there, mister. I know you two are married in the future, but you aren't there yet. You can't take a bath with my daughter!"

 

His brows furrowed. "Why not?"

 

"Because you have to be married to do that!"

 

"Says who?"

 

"Says me and my centurion husband with a sword!"

 

He gulped but shook his head anyway. "What's wrong with it? Seriously Pond, not a big deal."

 

She turned a glare on him, one he recognized well, as he saw it on her and her daughter multiple times. "Well, time is relative, so we _are_ married."

 

Her gaze didn't waver. 

He sighed and started a brisk walk to their room.

 

\----

River walked into her parent's room quietly, sitting down comfortably beside Amy on their bed. "Mum, you wanted to talk to me."

 

The red-head nodded.

 

"I don't need a girl-talk, ok? I got that from my foster mother. Or the other talk."

 

Amy shook her head quickly. "No, it's not that. Well, it's sort of that. Listen, River, I know that you're from the 51st century, but the Doctor isn't married to you yet, and we haven't done all that stuff yet, so I'd rather you two not-" She made a gesture- "do that until  you are. Or he is. Or we know. Whatever. You understand."

 

River gave her a strange look. "Sure, Amy. What brought this up?"

 

Amy raised an eyebrow. "The Doctor told me he was joining you for a bath."

 

River laughed at that, a low chortle that had Amy confused. "Don't think you aren't in trouble, young lady!" She said, raising a finger, but unable to keep a straight face.

 

Her daughter shook her head, wiping tears from her eyes. "No, mum. It wasn't a bath! It was-" She stopped a moment, getting herself together- "Oh, that explains why he acted like that! Good grief, he wouldn't even come to my side of the tub!"

 

"What do you mean it wasn't a bath?"

 

River laughed again and showed her mum her feet. "It was the spa. We were in the hot tub."

 

Amy's face turned red. "Seriously?" River nodded. 

"The TARDIS has a _spa?!_ And he never _told_ me?!"


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey, Amy." Rory said to his wife as he entered the kitchen. "Good morning, Mr. Pond. Cuppa?" She offered the tea. He nodded and took a sip. "Thanks. Where's the Doctor?"

 

Amy shrugged. "Not sure. I think he went out with River last night. They're probably arrested and in some wooden jail cell."

 

Rory sighed at that. "I'm not sure I like the whole party-while we sleep thing. Then again, this is the only slightly domestic thing River's ever done as a daughter."

 

She took another sip of her own tea. "We could go look for them."  

 

"We could." He paused. "Are we going to?"

 

"Yeah. Then we can make the Doctor take us to some non-dangerous planet as a thank-you." Amy said.

 

"Alright. I guess I'll go get clothes on."

 

_Outside the TARDIS...._

 

"No, I swear! She's mine!" The Doctor lunged for River, and she frowned beneath the gag.

 

"This man says she belongs to him." A Gifonist said, gesturing behind him. "She is mine. I paid 600 guls for her." The man said.

 

"You did not! I'll have you know that she's worth way more than that, and I paid 800!" The Doctor said, struggling against the group holding him back. River twisted her arm, trying to reach the knife she had attached to her thigh.

 

"Silence!" The lead Gifonist said. "We shall see. Have you marked her?" He asked him. The Doctor's eyes widened. "What do you mean, _marked?!"_

 

"What in God's name is going on?" A Scottish voice suddenly cut through the air. Their heads all snapped in the direction of the voice to see Amy and Rory running to them. "Were you given permission to speak?" The same Gifonist said. "What?" The red head asked, confused.

 

"This is your woman, correct?" He asked Rory. Rory looked at her glare, but nodded. "Well, we're married, so I..."

 

"Silence her. We are making an interrogation."

 

Rory grabbed Amy's arm and pulled her back slightly. "Um, I think that this is one of those planets where women don't have rights, so it may be best if we both sit down."

 

She looked furious, but nonetheless followed him to a nearby bench.

 

"I asked you a question, sir." The Gifonist said. "Do you keep her marked?"

 

"I don't understand the question. What do you mean?"

 

"As yours. Have you marked her as yours?"   
  


"Well, there's a rather impressive mark on her shoulder... I did that." 

River was sending a death glare, but couldn't say anything through the gag. "Check her!" He ordered, and a Gifonist stepped forward and ripped the shirt off, to thankfully reveal a tank top. A Gifonist examined a small red spot on her shoulder.

 

"Doctor!" Rory couldn't help exclaiming. The Doctor blushed and shook his head.

 

"This is a mark. Very unusual. Where is your certificate of authenticity?"  

 

"No, she is mine!" The man behind the lead Gifonist said. "I told you that I bought her! I lost my certificate."

 

The Doctor stuck his tongue out at the man, and gestured to his jacket. "In here. I can't exactly reach it, since you _tied_ me up!"

 

One of the aliens reached over, and pulled out the psychic paper. "She does belong to him." He announced.

 

The lead Gifonist nodded. "Untie him. Keep her hands and gag on, however. Only undo her feet. She is not deemed trustworthy enough to stay with her man by herself."

 

They did as they were told, and the Doctor rubbed his wrists. "I told you she was mine!"

 

"She should be punished for her behavior. Do you not teach her only to talk when spoken to?" 

  
He glanced over at his still-furious wife. "Um, it's complicated."

 

"Very well then. I suggest finding a different way to marking your women. That was very revealing for a public place."

 

"What do you suggest?"

 

"I mark mine with a blue dye. You know, a little on the feet, hands, and behind the ear."

 

The Doctor's eyes widened. " _That's_ what you meant?"

 

The Gifonist gave him a weird look. "Yes, sir. Watch over her, now. I hope she causes you no more trouble."

 

The Doctor nodded, then went to River. "Sorry, dear. I'll untie you, here." She stared him down with a look that had him shifting nervously on his feet. "You know, actually, I think it's a better idea to wait until we get on the TARDIS."

 

She kicked him in the knee.

 

_-That night-_

 

" _RIVER!"_  
  


Amy raised an eyebrow at her daughter. "That was the Doctor."

 

"Yes, it was." River took a sip of wine.

 

"What did you do?"

 

She grinned devilishly. "Well, I had to mark him, you know? So people will know he's mine."

 

Amy rolled her eyes and grabbed her glass. "Fun."

 

Rory walked in a few minutes later, looking stricken.

 

"Um, why is the Doctor naked and blue?"

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

"Doctor!"

"Yes? Sorry, what is it, Pond?"

Amy rolled her eyes. "We know you've just been checking out River's bum the whole time. And that's fine, since you're married and everything-"

"Well, actually, I'd prefer if you wait until you're alone to ogle her." Rory cut in.

"Hush, Rory. Don't be a hypocrite. Anyway," She paused to jump off the rail, "I'd prefer if you paid attention to whatever your doing. Our room's been flooded twice, we found an elephant on the sofa, we've even found a weird fish thing sleeping on our bed! And why?" She began walking down the stairs. "Because you're staring at our daughter."

The Doctor's eyebrows scrunched. "I'm perfectly fine at multi-tasking, I'll have you know!"

"Sure you are, sweetie." River said, then reached over and un-hooked wires he had fixed together. "Now, if I didn't catch that, we would have had a couple sharks in the pool."

"Yes, well, I..." He bit his lip. "I'm sure I would've caught it eventually."

"Before or after you get torn to shreds?"

The Doctor frowned. "After, obviously. No, no, wait. Wrong answer, wasn't it? Before." Rory groaned and sat down on the jump seat. "You can't even think straight when you're in the same room!"

"Well, in my defense, I think she's wearing a perception filter all the time, and that's why. I've never actually asked, come to think of it. Are you?"

"Wearing a perception filter?" River repeated, arching an eyebrow.

"Yes."

"No. That's just you."

A cloud of confusion went over his face. "Well, I don't understand, then. A bio-dampener? Some sort of telepathic disrupter?"

She rolled her eyes. "No."

He got out of his swing and approached her. "Then I don't get it. My mind gets sort of jumbled and my priorities get mixed up."

"That would be hormones, my love." She replied, looking up at him from her own swing.

"No, don't be silly. I keep my hormones in check. Time Lords barely even have hormones!"

Amy and Rory exchanged glances across the console.

River stood up, the top of her head barely meeting his chin. "Okay."

He breathed in her scent, and automatically wrapped his arms around her when he spelled that vanilla-honey-time scent that radiated from her. She smiled into his chest and returned the favor. "What was that you were saying about hormones?"

"Um, we don't have that many... because we..." He took another whiff of her scent. "don't need them?"

"Mmhm."

His eyes shot open. _When had they even closed?_ He wondered vaguely, then pulled out of the hug. "Well, it's true. My hormones are barely doing anything right now. I mean, a little, because I can smell you, but it's not that. It's like...." He struggled to think of a word. "I don't know. Something."

River sat back down in her swing, and Amy sighed above them.

"Aw, you're in love with my daughter! That's so sweet." She muttered quietly. Rory may not have heard her across the console, but the two aliens immediately picked up on it. River spared a quick glance to her husband, who was gaping up at Amy.

"No, I mean, well, maybe, well...." He paused, and swallowed.  "It's complicated and humany and timey wimey and private!" He finally managed.

River stifled a giggle. He could never admit to anything so humany.

"Alright, Raggedy Man. Let's see. What's River's favorite food?"

"Bacon." He replied instantly.

"What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen her do?"

"Hum in her sleep."

"Shoe size?"

"8 and a half."

"Does she like to sleep with a blanket or without a blanket?"

"With."

"Hot natured or cold natured?"

"Cold, but-wait a second!" He said, halting. "What are you doing?"

"Hate to tell you, but you are so in love." Amy replied, a smirk on her face as she winked to her daughter.

River simply smiled and connected some more cables.

"Wait, that doesn't mean anything! You knew all that, too! You're not in love with her, you're her mother!"

"Actually, I didn't know she was cold natured. I mean, really?"

River shrugged. "Yeah."

"That's weird. 'Cause you're all... fighty."

She chuckled. "Fighty?"

"Shut up, Mels."

"Mhm."

The Doctor shot a quick glance to his wife and smiled sheepishly. "Um... I... don't know what I'm supposed to say now?"

"Nothing, preferably. While you've been talking to mother about me, you put the reptile room right next to Bedrooms 2-31 and clicked the door open. At least ours isn't there."

Amy's head snapped down to glare at the Doctor. "What number's me and Rory's bedroom, River?"

"Four."

Amy's eyes widened, and she raced to a corridor. "If a lizard is inside my wardrobe again, I'm going to kill you!"

Rory looked down at the Doctor, who had taken on a guilty smile, then took after his wife.

"What did she mean, again?"

"Well, we had a run in with the homo reptilia once. They had this cute little animal that wanted to come with me."

"And how did it end up in their wardrobe?"

"Hey, you had on holographic clothes that day! It was your fault!"

River took on an evil glint in her eyes. "Holographic clothes?"

Her husband's face turned into a mortified one.

"Spoilers!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing this. I think this would be right after TWORS, so the Doctor was fairly new to their marriage, and not quite willing to voice his feelings yet. I don't know where River was. You choose. I've actually read something similar when Amy questions him about River, but I'm definitely not copying it. She asks completely different questions in this one, I'm pretty sure. Can't remember where it is, though. But in no way copying that. This is all me, I promise. Anyway, what did you think? How was that ending? XD. Holographic clothes inspired by Steven Moffat in Time of the Doctor. Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She turned a corner and walked into the room.
> 
> Only to see the Doctor kissing some woman- some blond woman!-Rather passionately.
> 
> Her blood boiled and she whipped her phone out, taking care to step back around the corner so the Doctor wouldn't see her. He was cheating on her daughter! She could certainly make him regret it, but once she showed River proof- oh, then he'd be in real trouble. Well, maybe not real trouble. Real trouble was when she told Rory. She clicked the button to record.

The Doctor hummed quietly to himself as he read the book. It was quite good. An Agatha Christie, in fact.

He was just getting to the best part when a small, warm hand landed on his shoulder. He jumped, startled and wheeled around.

When he saw who it was, his jaw dropped. "Why.... no! Why would you do something so terrible?! _Why?_!"

\-------

Amy picked up her pace to get to the library. That's where the Doctor practically always was when they weren't travelling. Reading some book.

She turned a corner and walked into the room.

Only to see the Doctor kissing some woman- some blond woman!-Rather passionately.

Her blood boiled and she whipped her phone out, taking care to step back around the corner so the Doctor wouldn't see her. He was cheating on her daughter! She could certainly make him regret it, but once she showed River proof- oh, _then_ he'd be in real trouble. Well, maybe not real trouble. Real trouble was when she told Rory. She clicked the button to record.

A few seconds later, Rory showed up, looking tired and dishevled. "Amy? What're you- _WHAT THE HELL_?!"

It wasn't hard to guess who the question was directed at. The couple broke away immediately, the Doctor rather guiltily removing his hand from the small of the woman's back. Who, Amy noted, hadn't bothered to turn around, and had nestled her head under the Doctor's chin.

Rory, furious, pulled out his sword. "What do you think you're doing?!" He demanded, face close to red.

The Doctor blushed and scratched the back of his head. "Well, I suppose we got a bit carried away. I thought you two had gone to bed."

Amy folded her arms across her chest and shot her best death glare at him. "I bet you did. Wait until this video goes to a certain someone." She waved the phone.

His eyebrows furrowed, and his hands went around the woman that he'd been doing innapropriate things with.  "And who would that be?"

Rory nearly jumped the man then and there, but Amy's curiousity made her stop him. "Maybe your wife."

His eyes widened. "No, please not the Queen! She'll work even harder to get me beheaded! I like this face!"

The woman chuckled, a warm throaty laugh that Amy and Rory immediately recognized.

"Melody?" Rory questioned.

River turned around to grin at them. "Mum, Dad."

"Your-" Rory paused. "What happened to your hair?"

She frowned and fluffed it. "I just straightened it. Goodness, why are you all acting like I committed a homocide?"

"Because it's pretty damn close." The Doctor mumbled, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her back to his chest.

"It is not!" She defended. "I just had to make sure no one recognized me in that one county-well, country. Well," She said, "planet."

"What could you have possibly done to make you wanted on an entire planet?" Amy questioned, eyebrow quirked.

"What could have possessed you to do this-" The Doctor stuck his nose in her hair, taking a sniff- "terrible thing to me?"

"Oh, come off it." She replied, putting her hands on top of his. "I can take a shower and make it normal right now if I really had to."

The Doctor let her go and nodded.

River scowled. "I don't really have to, sweetie. It took three hours to do this."

"But-but.... it's so..." the Doctor struggled to think of a word, "normal. And un-River. Can't I have my wife's hair back?" He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "It's so much more fun to play with."

Amy rolled her eyes. "Well, for the record River, I think it looks fine. Other than we can't recognize you from behind. Right, Rory?"

He forced himself to look at it again. "Well, actually, I've got to go with the Doctor on this one. It's too diffiicult to look at and know it's you. You look like that girl we knew in school. What was her name? Megan.... Snow something-or-the-other. You look like her."

River sighed and unlatched the Doctor's arms from around her. "Fine, fine, fine. I'm going to go and wet my hair." She said, walking out the library.

The Doctor smiled, nodded, and followed his wife.

"I think she may need some help with that, so I'm gonna go... help. See you, Ponds! Don't worry, I'll bring your daughter back!"


	9. Part 8

 

 

"Rory, no. You know you can't."

"Why not?"

"Because! It's invading their privacy!"

Rory snorted. "He's the one invading _her_ privacy, Amy."

"She's the one making all those suggestions and pinching his bum."

"And _he's_ the one kissing her _!"_

Amy sighed. "Just because you caught him initiating a kiss doesn't mean you can rig up cameras in the control room."

"If he'd keep his hands to himself, it wouldn't be a problem, would it?"

"I'm pretty sure that he didn't even know his hand was on her-"

"Don't say it, Amy! That's our daughter!" He adjusted the camera once more, so it was pointed at the console.

"Breast!" She sang, "He didn't know his hand was on her-"

" _Amy_!"

"I fail to see the problem here. He likes her, she likes him, they're obviously attracted, and they're going to get married in the future! What's wrong with-"

"Wait, _what_?"

"Yeah, they're attracted! He's a moth, she's the flame. You can tell, he does the funky hovering mating ritual."

"What do you _mean,_ mating- Okay, no," He shakes his head, "How do you know they're going to be married?"

She smiled cheekily, plopping down in a chair. "Oh, I don't know..."

"Amy.." Rory pursed his lips.

"She told me."

He snorted, rolling his eyes and going back to setting up the camera. "Right. River."

Amy twirled a piece of hair around her finger. "Fine, not _directly,_ but there was a conversation that led directly to me saying 'you're his wife' and River saying 'you are very good'. They'll be married, is the point."

Rory stepped down from the stool. "Fine. I don't care. They're not married yet."

"But-"

"So no.. no-"

"Fondling her breast?"

"Yes!" Rory snapped, a blush crawling down his neck.

"So are you saying yes he _can,_ or-" She grins at him.

"Amy..." He gives her a pleading look, and she relents.

"Alright. But this is still an invasion of privacy. You can't just _video_ the _console room._ I have no desire to have a video of my best friend and daughter making out until they run out of oxygen. I trust them not to do anything rash. I mean, they're God-knows-how-old. Older than us. Most of the time-" Rory snorts, and she ignores him, plowing on-"most of the time they have good judgment. You know they do. And River's not a little girl anymore."

Her husband's eyes soften as he walks to stand beside her, brushing a hair away from her face. "I know- I do. It's just.. it feels like she should be, and like I'm programmed to feel so..so protective over her now, like I can't change it. My brain is wired to think this way for some reason. She should be about two feet tall right now, waddling around, and I should be taking away sharp things and holding her hand, and.." He looked away, "and here she is, and she's beautiful and amazing, but she's all grown up. She shoots monsters and saves planets and sees all of these things, _knows_ all these things that would overwhelm and consume a person, when she should be learning to talk and walk. "

"I know." Amy says. Then, "And she has a sex life."

"Amy!" Rory's face burns red. "Not with the _Doctor."_

"Sure?"

"He's only met her a few times!" He argues, "Surely they aren't... _already..."_

"What do you think he does when we sleep?" She grins, eyeing her husband, "Sits around? You think he has the patience for that?"

"Well, no, but..."

Amy rubbed his shoulder, "He's in the rebellious stage. Or he's learning to be. He's like a teenager."

"Oh." Rory says. He pauses, "Does that mean River's the bad influence?"

" _Now_ you're catching on."

He groaned. "Great. We'll have to train him to avoid her advances. To keep it in his pants. God, we _are_ parenting!"

There's a strange sound then, a huff, almost, and then a clattering under the console.

Rory closes his eyes.

"Doctor?"

The alien clears his throat. "Yes?"

"Go to your room."


End file.
